


The what ifs

by Darkfairyforever22



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, Drabble Collection, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied Mpreg, Kid Fic, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-01 12:51:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 11,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4020487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkfairyforever22/pseuds/Darkfairyforever22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles of Steve and Howard raising Tony in the modern era.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oh baby

The What ifs  
Baby

“You really should see medical. You pay their salary, they should be able to see you and tell you what’s wrong.” Steve commented from beside Howard. 

“How about I just ignore it like I do everything else? I’m perfectly fine Steve.” Howard shot back standing up and taking a swig of mouthwash.

Steve glared at Howard and placed his hands on his hips. “That’s not true and you know it! You have been throwing up every day multiple times a day for the past week and a half.”

“You’ve only been home for three days.” Howard commented patting his face dry.

“Bucky and Peggy tell me everything. Now come on Howard just see the doctor for me? Please?” Steve gave Howard a small smile.

“You aren’t going to leave me alone until I do are you?” Howard asked as he patted on cologne. 

“Not in the slightest. I actually arranged for your meetings to be rescheduled so, you have no reason to go into the office today.” Steve grinned cheekily at Howard.

“Fine I’ll go but I’m taking my work with me. You know I have that big contract meeting with NYU coming up.” Howard commented grabbing his laptop charger and shoving it into messenger bag.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” Steve commented grabbing his jacket. 

Three hours later after blood was drawn, and a complete physical was done a doctor came back into the exam room.

Steve stood up and moved to stand next to Howard.

“Congratulations, you are going to be parents.” The doctor commented before handing the results to Howard.

“Fuck!” Howard simply stated holding the results in his shaky hands.

“Yea, I second that.” Steve commented before fainting on the floor.


	2. Anthony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby Tony makes his appearance

Anthony

“He’s a tiny thing isn’t he?” Bucky commented looking at the tiny bundle Peggy held.

“He’s not tiny! He’s perfect.” Steve commented from Howard’s side defensively.

“Of course he’s perfect. He is a little small though. Howard’s small too so, it’s not surprising.” Peggy commented cooing at the infant in her arms.

“Yea, I’m small ok Carter whatever you say.” Howard muttered sleepily from the bed.

“So what’s the little guys name?” Bucky asked as Peggy handed the baby to him.

“Anthony Edward Grant Stark.” Steve replied with pride. 

“Strong name. It sure is long though.” Bucky laughed at the anger on Howard’s face.

“So have you told any family members yet?” Peggy questioned softly knowing it was a touchy subject.

“My Mom knows of course. I don’t know did you tell your parents Howard?”

“Not at all. They don’t need to know. Now give me my baby Barnes.” Howard snapped anger in his voice.

Bucky silently handed the baby to Howard and nodded. “Ok point taken Stark, hey Steve I have duty tonight so I’m going to head out congrats again.” 

“I’ll go with you James, let these two enjoy some time alone.” Peggy commented grabbing her jacket and purse. She dropped a kiss to Tony’s little head and smiled softly at Howard and Steve before following Bucky out of the room.

Once they were gone Steve turned to Howard and held out his cell phone. “Call them Howard, they need to know they are grandparents.” 

Howard shook his head and cuddled Tony closer to his chest. “No, they don’t Steve. They were shitty parents they don’t deserve to know.”

“I know they did horrible things to you Howard but, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t know about their grandson.” Steve softly replied staring at Howard.

“I’m not calling them. You can tell them, they love you! I refuse to tell them.” Howard set his jaw in a firm thin line and looked at Steve as if waiting to see what Steve would do.

Steve sighed and pocketed his phone. “Fine, don’t tell them but I refuse to be put in the middle of it. My mom was wondering if you wanted to see her while you were still in the hospital.” 

Howard smiled softly. “Of course I want to see your mom. She can help me figure out breast feeding. I refuse to let another nurse show me how.” Howard laughed at Steve’s face.

“I’ll go call her.” Steve dropped a kiss to Howard’s head and walked out of the room. 

“Gosh buddy this won’t be easy will it?” Howard mused to Tony. Tony gave a soft whine and nuzzled his face into Howard’s chest. “We got this though, your dad and I will never let anything happen to you buddy. You are my greatest creation of all time.”


	3. Nana Rogers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nana Rogers comes into play and boy is she not pleased with her boys.

Nana Rogers

“Oh he’s absolutely beautiful.” Sarah Rogers commented as she held her grandson.

“Well, he does have Stark genes.” Howard commented laughing as Steve sent him a glare.

“Speaking of Starks when are your parents coming into town? I can pick them up from the airport if you need me too.” Sarah offhandedly commented.

“They aren’t.” Howard stated calmly.

“Oh? Why aren’t they coming? I wouldn’t miss the birth of my first grandchild for the world.” Sarah smiled softly at Howard and Steve.

“Yea, see that’s the thing they don’t know he’s been born.” 

Sarah fixed Howard with a glance and then glared at Steve. “You better tell them.” 

Steve threw his hand up in defense. “Not my parents, I told my only living parent. I did my job, no Mom don’t give me that look! If Howard wants to tell them he will.” 

“I think they deserve to know.” Sarah’s voice was soft and concerned as she sat down in the rocker in the room. 

“Well, they will know just when I feel the time is right. I mean honestly Sarah you met them at the wedding, you saw what a disaster that was.” Howard barked out shaking his head.

“I know your wedding didn’t leave me with the best impression of them but, they are still your parents Howard. I know if Steve hadn’t told me Tony was born I would be crushed.”

“Yea, well you were actually a mother. You deserve to know about Anthony. Not my parents, they weren’t parents. Dad was and still is an abusive drunk and my dear old mom is a whore and a drunk. Not people I want in my son’s life.” 

“You know I got a nice card from your mother after your wedding. She apologized for your father’s speech.” Sarah glanced at Steve.

“Oh did she? Tell me Sarah was it actually signed? Or was it stamped with her name? Let me tell you if it was stamped those mean nothing, that’s just company PR doing their jobs to keep everything out of the press. They had a field day with me when I started dating Steve.” Howard rolled his eyes as he bitterly talked about his parents.

“Can we talk about something different please? I don’t you two to fight.” Steve pleaded with Howard and his mom.

“Fine, so tell me how is this little guy latching? Or are you formula feeding?”

Howard smiled softly glad Steve had gotten his mom to change the subject. “He’s doing alright but at first it’s a real struggle. Maybe you could show me what I’m doing wrong?” 

Sarah smiled and stood up and walked to Howard’s other side. “Of course I can help. I’m not a labor and delivery nurse for nothing.”


	4. Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard's parents make an appearance!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took author liability and changed Howard's parents names because I couldn't find them online. Enjoy!

Company

“I told my parents, they are flying now. They will be here late tonight. Mom was pissed with me apparently.” Howard told Steve over dinner one night. Tony was already three months old and Steve was trying not to push it but he knew Howard had to tell his parents.

“Oh did you?” Steve asked as he grinned at Tony who Howard was holding.

“Yea, she wanted to know why I waited so long to tell them. I told her the truth.” Howard shifted Tony to his shoulder and burped him.

“Which is?” 

“That I didn’t want them around my child. It’s really simple as to why Steve.” Howard rolled his eyes at Steve.

“How did she take it?” 

“She did what she always does when she’s confronted with anything uncomfortable, told me it was all my father’s fault.” Howard huffed and handed Tony to Steve.

“I’m sorry Howard, I know you wanted more from your parents.” Steve softly stated staring at Howard.

“Yea, well I didn’t get that but, it’s not a big deal. Now can you keep an eye on him while I go make a call?”

“A call? Howard it’s seven at night. Who are you calling?”

“It’s not seven in Tokyo. I have business conference call to make. I promised I would make it earlier but you weren’t home and Tony was fussy. I love you.” Howard dropped a kiss to Steve’s head and then dropped a kiss to Tony’s head before heading off to his office.

“Your Mama is nuts you know that.” Steve whispered to Tony. 

Three hours later Steve was laying on the sofa with Howard, his eyes were dropping closed fast. 

“Babe, you need to go to bed. You have a pt test tomorrow bright and early.” Howard commented brushing hair out of Steve’s face.

“Nah, I’ll be fine besides your parents aren’t here yet.” Steve mumbled into Howard’s lap.

“Honey, I don’t know when they are getting here. You need rest, I got this covered just go to sleep.”

Steve stood up and glanced at Howard. “Are you sure? I don’t mind waiting up with you.” 

“Steve, I’m sure go to bed.” Howard kissed Steve and watched him head to their bedroom. 

Around midnight Howard heard his cell phone ring. He saw it was his mom and sighed before answering. “Hello?”

“Howard, we are almost to your house. Your father figured we should call you to let you know we will be there in ten minutes.” The line went dead with no other words.

“Bye to you too Mom.” Howard bitterly spat at the phone and then stood up. He glanced around his semi messy house and shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t give a damn what his parents thought. He lived in his house and besides he had an infant to take care of. The minute he heard the doorbell he cursed. Tony let out an ear piercing wail a second later. 

“Thanks for waking him up. Shut the door behind you.” Howard commented as he yanked the door open. He took off sprinting to the nursery. Howard crossed into the room and smiled softly at Tony.

“Oh buddy it’s ok that’s just your stupid grandparents who don’t know a damn thing about babies apparently.” Howard swiftly lifted Tony from the crib and walked him around the nursery.

“Hey, is he ok?” Steve asked coming into the nursery since Tony’s cries had only gotten louder. 

“No, I think he can tell I’m nervous. Maybe you should take him.” Howard commented softly handing Tony over. “I’ll go make a bottle. Oh and my parents are here.” 

“Ok, I’ll be down once he’s back to sleep.” Steve commented as he went to sit in the rocker.

“Don’t bother, you can bond with them tomorrow after your pt test.” Howard waved a hand at Steve and went down to the kitchen. He saw his parents looking around the living room their noses wrinkled up at the mess. 

“You really didn’t have to ring the doorbell I knew you were coming, I unlocked the door for a reason. Steve has to be up in now four hours and you both had to wake him and the baby.” 

“We didn’t know it would wake the child. We honestly thought the doorbell wouldn’t work.” Howard’s father, Logan commented dismissingly. 

Howard shook his head and popped the bottle in the warmer. “Whatever, I know you must not know how this works. You are in my house now, you need to respect Steve even if you don’t respect anyone in your entire lives which you don’t, and you better respect Steve. He works way too damn hard with the military for you to be an asshole to him.” 

“Oh Howard, we know how to be polite. You however seemed to have lost your manners.” Callie, Howard’s mother commented narrowing her eyes at Howard.

Howard sighed and shook his head. “I’m going to take this bottle to Steve. You can grab your bags and follow me to the guest room.” 

“I’ll get the bags, here take Tony, he’s not calming down at all for me.” Steve called out coming down the stairs. Steve handed Tony over and dropped a kiss to Howard’s head. “Take all the time you need. Feed him, rock him, sing to him, do whatever you need too to calm down. He knows when you’re upset.” Steve whispered.

“Ok, I will. I love you.” Howard replied heading up the stairs. God, how he hated having company.


	5. Opinions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah has a dirty mouth when it comes to her son-in-law.

Opinions

“Where is my grand baby?” Sarah called out as she came into the house. 

“In the living room.” Howard replied relived his mother in law had shown up. 

“Hello everyone.” Sarah commented coming into the living room and grinning at Tony, who was laying on his stomach reaching for his rattle. “Hi sweet baby boy, Nana’s here did you miss me? Howard can I hold him?”

“Sarah, you don’t ever have to ask that question.” Howard responded smiling at Tony’s wide smile.

Sarah grinned and pulled Tony into her lap. Tony fused for a few minutes and then noticed Sarah’s necklace and made a grab for it. 

“Why does everyone in this house insist on talking to the child like it’s an adult?” Logan questioned looking at everyone in the room.

Howard rolled his eyes and shook his head at his father. 

“Maybe because Tony is a brilliant boy. He’s two months ahead of schedule and he’s already laughing. Babies aren’t supposed to do that for another month to two months at least. Also hello to you too Logan.” Sarah responded angrily. 

“Well we never did that with Howard and he turned out perfectly fine.” Callie commented glaring at Sarah.

“Oh yes, well whoever raised Howard did a fabulous job, I would hate to see how he turned out if you two had actually raised him.” Sarah shot back her face turning red with anger. 

“I’ll be right back.” Howard said slipping outside. He pulled his cell phone out and called Steve.

“Hey babe, I’m kind of working is everything ok at home?” Steve asked the moment he answered.

“I think your mother is broken.” Howard responded leaning his ear to listen to the other adults inside.

“Huh? What are you talking about? Is my mom ok?” Steve’s voice was filled with worry.

“She got in an argument with both of my parents. She was super nasty for being such a kind hearted woman.” Howard replied.

Steve let out a laugh. “Oh she can be kind hearted but she can also be nasty. She really doesn’t like your parents. Do you need me home?”

“If you can manage it then yes, if you can’t don’t worry about it.” 

“Let me see what I can do. They owe me parental leave days since you and my mother insist I not take them.”

Howard laughed. “Ok, I love you and will see you when you get off.” Howard hung up and walked back into the living room. He saw Sarah was still glaring at his parents. “Sarah would you like anything to drink?” 

“Yes, a wine would be fantastic.” Sarah responded smiling up at Howard. He knew something was wrong if Sarah was wanting wine, the woman never drank unless she felt she would have to put up with idoits who questioned her medical knowledge. Howard texted Steve to get home right away and poured a glass of wine for Sarah. 

“So, do tell me how you know everything about babies. I certainly don’t remember nurses being more knowledgeable than doctors.” Callie asked cooly as she stared Sarah down. 

“Oh some nurses don’t however when you’ve been a labor and delivery nurse as long as I have, which is thirty years, you learn that most doctors don’t know a damn thing about the baby itself. They have a general knowledge.” Sarah responded rolling her eyes at Callie.

“Do you really think it’s smart to roll your eyes at me?”

“Oh what are you going to do about it? Please tell me, you seem to know SO MUCH about your own son.” Sarah glared at Callie and handed Tony to Howard. “You might want to go upstairs sweetie. This isn’t going to be pretty.”

“I will be right back, Sarah please don’t put a hand on her. She’s not worth it.” Howard responded before turning to go to the nursery to lay Tony down.

“Steven Grant Rogers, get your ass home now.” Howard spat into the phone as soon as he laid Tony down.

“I’m driving home now, I’m almost there what the fuck is going on?”

“Your mother is going to punch my mom I’m sure of it.” Howard replied before moving to leave the nursery.

“Why the heck do you say that?”

“She told me it wasn’t going to be pretty and told me to go upstairs.” 

“I’m five minutes out, make sure she doesn’t hit your mom please?” Steve said before hanging up.

“Of course this would be my life.” Howard mumbled before running back down the stairs. Sarah and Callie were now standing up glaring at each other. 

“You don’t know a damn thing about my son.” Callie spat in Sarah’s direction.

“Oh but you do? Please you were too busy getting drunk, and Logan here was too busy drinking and abusing Howard! You don’t know what it takes to be a parent either of you!” Sarah yelled out.

Howard made a move to get closer when the door burst open and Steve came stepping inside the house.

“Ma, stop come on drop it.” Steve moved closer to Sarah.

“No, Steven Grant I will not drop it. This whore here thinks she can talk shit about Howard when he’s not around? Yea how about fuck that.” Sarah’s glare kept steady on Callie.

Howard’s eyes went wide as saucers. Here was his sweet as apple pie mother in law cursing and standing up for him. “Seriously Sarah, I love you but this is totally not worth it. They have always been this way.” Howard glanced at Steve, who seemed frozen in his tracks. 

“No, dear sweet boy you have given them the greatest gift of life and they treat you like trash! It’s not right!” Sarah’s face crumpled as she looked at Howard.

Howard shrugged. “It doesn’t matter Sarah. I have an amazing mother in you. I don’t need these two.” 

“How dare you say that Howard! We gave you everything. You were a spoiled little fucker! I knew we should have aborted you!” Logan shouted now turning on Howard.

The punch sound vibrated off the walls. “Fuck, I think I broke my hand.” Sarah commented stepping away from Logan.

“Mother!” Steve’s eyes were wide and his mouth was hung open in shock.

“I think that’s your cue to leave my house and never contact me again.” Howard replied pulling Sarah into the kitchen. “Steve be a dear and make sure they get all their things. Oh and check on Tony will you?”

“Howard, I’m so sorry that was not right of me.” Sarah commented softly as Howard wrapped an ice pack around her hand.

“Are you kidding me? That was the greatest thing I have ever seen! I really expected you to hit my mom though not my father. Not that he didn’t deserve it.”

“It still wasn’t right of me.”

“Sarah that is what we call a difference of opinions in the business world. Who the fuck taught you to hit like that though?”

Sarah smiled. “After I divorced Steve’s step father I took self-defense classes. Steve did too his punch has more impact than mine does.”


	6. Late Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard bonds with Baby Tony!

Late Nights

Tony had been crying for the past hour.  
“I’m going insane. Come on buddy, I know you’re hungry. Why won’t you latch?” Howard pleaded with the wailing infant in his arms. 

“Maybe he’s not hungry. He could just be cranky.” Steve suggested from the floor.

“Steve he’s hungry. It’s now three am and the last time he ate was at eight last night. That’s seven hours. Of course he’s hungry.” Howard snapped at his husband.

Steve held his hands up. “Don’t yell at me. I didn’t do anything.”

Howard sighed and sunk back into the rocking chair. “I know I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“Do you want me to go make a bottle of formula?” Steve offered softly.

Howard glared at Steve. “Absolutely not. I am NOT feeding him formula when I have milk that is perfectly natural inside my own body.”

“I know that Howard but you are the one saying he’s hungry maybe he just needs a different taste tonight.” 

“Rogers could you just fucking not? I don’t want to hear it.” Howard snapped again before grabbing Tony’s blanket and walking out of the nursery. 

“Ok run away from this like you do everything else Stark. Jesus, I don’t know why the fuck I try.” Steve yelled before grabbing his jacket.

“Where are you going?” Howard questioned anger still in his voice.

“I’m going to my mother’s house to sleep. I have twenty four duty tomorrow. I need rest.” Steve grabbed his keys and slammed the front door. Howard listened and sure enough he heard Steve’s bike roar off in the distance. 

Howard glanced down at Tony and found he had latched on and was greedily sucking milk down. He sent a silent prayer up to the ceiling and didn’t move.

“You are an absolute mess you know that?” Howard muttered smiling down at Tony. “You are my greatest creation Tony. I love you and your Dad so much. It hurts sometimes. I didn’t have the best parents growing up. You met them last month, your Nana punched my dad. He deserved it though.” 

Tony had finally finished nursing and was staring up at Howard his eyes wide. Howard sighed and went to put Tony back in his crib. Tony started to wail again. 

“Oh no, you don’t buddy. It’s time to sleep. Please sleep sweet boy.” Howard pleaded snuggling Tony to his chest again. “Do you just want to hear my voice? Is that your problem?” 

Tony smiled at Howard and blew a bubble. Howard smiled and sat down in the rocker. “Well, I suppose I can talk you to sleep. Lord knows I talk all the time anyway, maybe I should tell you how I met your Daddy. Would you like that?” 

Tony gurgled up at Howard.

“Oh yes, I know it’ll be a long story but hopefully it puts you to sleep. See your Daddy and I met through your Aunt Peggy. Your Aunt Peggy was convinced I needed more friends and I needed to get out more. She invited me to a party she was hosting and there your Daddy was all dressed up in his dress blues. I was instantly drawn to him. He was so handsome kiddo.” Howard smiled thinking of how Steve looked whenever he dressed up. “I walked up to him and I turned my Stark charm on. Your Daddy didn’t know what to do with me. He blushed so much that night. We danced the whole night, I was taking up all his time.”

Howard looked down to see Tony was fast asleep. He slowly stood up and gently laid Tony down in his crib.


	7. Tattoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve wants Tony to always be with him.

Tattoo

“Howard where is Tony’s birth announcement?” Steve asked coming into the study. 

Howard looked up his face confused. “There should be a copy in the safe why?”

“I’m doing an art project and I need to see how small his feet were when he was first born.” Steve commented grinning. 

Howard didn’t think much of it so when Steve came home later than usual one night and told Howard he did something amazing Howard was concerned.

“What the fuck did you do Rogers?”

Steve removed his leather jacket and showed Howard his left shoulder. Howard gasped seeing a tattoo of Tony’s foot, name and birthdate underneath it. Steve was standing there proudly grinning. 

“What if we have more?” Was all Howard could think to ask.

“If we have more babies then I will find a unique place for each baby. Why are you wanting another one so soon?” Steve asked grinning at Tony who was playing in his play pen.

“Oh god no! I meant what I said after he was born. If we have more than one they have to be out of diapers before the next one.” Howard laughed before moving to lightly touch the covered tattoo. 

“Doesn’t it look good?” Steve asked his chest puffing out with pride. 

“It does look very good. Did you get it done by yourself?”

“Nah, Bucky was with me. He got me an appointment with his guy. His tattoo guy is awesome by the way! If you ever decide to get one we should go to him.” 

“Of course Barnes was with you. Why is it all your impulse decisions always have something to do with Barnes?” Howard mused shaking his head at Steve.

“He’s my best friend. Mom always said we were like blood brothers always getting into trouble.” Steve grinned as if that was something he was proud of. 

“Oh lord what is your mother going to say about this!” Howard wondered out loud. Steve’s face paled at the thought of what his mother who was very against tattoos would say.

“You’ll protect me right Howie?” Steve batted his eyes at Howard.

“Oh no, pal you are all on your own with this one. She still likes me and I want to keep it that way.” Howard roared with laughter at the thought of Steve’s mom finding out about the tattoo.


	8. Deployment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets deployed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also if you all my readers want to see anything let me know!! I would love more plot bunnies!!

Deployment

Howard watched Steve go through his army gear. Tears welled up in his eyes watching his husband. “I don’t want you to go.” Howard’s voice was a soft broken whisper.

“I know you don’t babe but, I have too. I have orders to go.” Steve responded staring up at Howard.

“Tony’s just a baby, what if something happens?”

“Howard, come here.” Steve patted the spot on the floor next to him. Howard moved and sat down on the floor staring at Steve, tears now spilling over out of his eyes and onto his cheeks. “Howie babe look at me. It’s going to be ok, I will come home to you. I’ve never broken that promise before right? This isn’t my first deployment nor is it going to be my last.” 

“This is your first since Tony’s been born. You’re going to miss his first birthday.” Howard commented broken hearted. 

Steve sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I know what I’m going to be missing and I’m sorry but I can’t just ignore my orders. Howard, I swear to you I will come home to both of you.”

“Can Tony sleep in our bed with us tonight?” Howard asked softly standing to his feet.

Steve smiled. “Of course he can, I’m not going to say no to cuddles with my guys tonight.” 

Howard smiled softly and went to walk out of the room. “Don’t forget we have the dinner with your mom tonight.” 

“I won’t forget.”

Morning came too soon for Steve. He grabbed his bags and loaded the car. “Howard, we have to leave soon. My mom’s here to help get Tony ready.” Steve shook Howard’s shoulder softly.

“No, don’t leave.” Howard’s eyes were wet with tears again. He wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and pulled him down to the bed.

“Oh god, babe you know I don’t want to leave. Please don’t cry, oh god please stop crying baby. It will be ok, I will come home I swear.” Steve whispered as he dropped kisses to Howard’s lips. 

“Everything ok?” Sarah asked softly holding a sleepy Tony in her arms. 

“It will be ok. I just don’t want him to leave.” Howard stated wiping tears away from his face. 

The ride to the airport was a quiet one. Tony was holding on to his teddy bear with one hand and his other hand was holding onto Steve’s hand. Howard was driving not saying a word, the radio wasn’t on it was just complete silence. Once they got there Howard started shaking trying to hold his tears in. 

Steve held Tony tight to him. “Oh god I’m going to miss both of you so much! I want to know about everything! Spam my email with daily updates will you? Oh and pictures god include those in my care packages!” 

“We will sweetheart, you keep yourself safe. Don’t be distracted everything is covered here at home ok?” Sarah kissed Steve’s head and wiped a stray tear away from her eyes. 

“He will be ok Howard, I know Steve he loves his job and he loves his family. He will fight and come home to you perfectly fine.”


	9. One Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's birthday comes around and Steve's depressed

One Year

Howard was setting up for the party when his phone rang. “Hello?” Howard shoved the phone between his shoulder and his ear as he continued to set up the table.

“Hey baby!” Steve’s sunny voice rang though the phone. 

Howard almost the paper cup he was holding. “Oh my god hey Steve! Can you give me just a minute to put you on speaker phone and get Tony? Wait here talk to your mom.” Howard shoved the phone at Sarah before running up to Tony’s room. Tony was just waking up from his nap. 

“Hey buddy do you want to talk to Dad? He’s on the phone with Nana right now.” Howard scooped Tony into his arms and hurried back to the kitchen. Sarah’s face split into a grin when she saw Howard and Tony. She handed the phone off with a smile on her face.

“Ok, I’m back and I have the birthday boy with me.” Howard put the phone on speaker and grinned seeing Tony eye the phone.

“Happy Birthday baby boy! Daddy misses you!” Steve’s voice floated out of the phone and Tony’s face split into an ear to ear grin. 

“Dada!” Tony shouted reaching for the phone. 

“Oh my god! Howard he just called for me.” Steve’s voice was shaky as he spoke.

“I know babe, we’ve been working on it. He can say some more words too! He’s a genius Steve seriously.”

“Oh my god Howard I’m so sorry!” Steve was now openingly crying.

“What? Wait what’s wrong Steve. Hold on, don’t you dare hang up on me.” Howard threatened before switching the phone off speaker and holding it up to his ear. “Steve babe talk to me. Why are you crying? I thought you would be happy about this.”

“I am so torn! I want to be there but I’m not! I’m away when I should be with you guys!” Steve’s voice was shaking as he sobbed. 

“Steven Grant Rogers you listen to me right now, you are doing the right thing. You have a job to do and that job takes you away from us sometimes but that’s ok! I don’t want you to worry, everything is fine here.” 

“I miss you guys so much. I just want to come home.” Steve heaved a huge sigh and Howard felt his heart break a little.

“Three more months babe. I know you can do it. Come on you know how exciting it will be to see us. Please don’t give up now.” Howard pleaded softly.

“Ok, I can do it. I can do this, I got this.” Steve repeated taking big deep breathes. 

“I know you can do this. Now do you want to talk to Tony again?” Howard asked smiling to himself.

“Yea, actually give me a minute and I’ll video chat you guys ok? We can all sing happy birthday to him then.”

“Ok babe, I will await your video chat then. I love you.” Howard smiled as he hung up the phone. “Ok everyone gather around! Steve’s going to video chat us!” Howard called out pulling out the laptop. He logged into Skype and a few minutes after everyone was around the laptop Steve’s video call came in. Howard hit accept and grinned seeing Steve surrounded by a bunch of army buddies and they were all singing happy birthday to Tony.

Tony was more focused on Steve’s face. “Dada Dada Dada.” Tony chanted laying his hand against the screen.   
“Happy Birthday baby boy.” Steve grinned and held his hand up to the camera so it would look like it was matching Tony’s small hand.

Howard smiled softly. “Looks like you’ve made some buddies over there.” 

“Some of them. I got a medal the other day, I was out of touch cause I was in the field.” Steve made a disgruntled face.

“Hey medals are good things right?” Howard asked confused at his husbands face.

“Yea, I guess so but at what price?” Steve spat out bitterly before shaking his head. “Sorry, this call is all about the birthday boy. I don’t have long to talk but, I figured you needed to see and talk to me.”

“Steve, babe talk to me. You can do the birthday talk with Tony later, he’s little he doesn’t understand it.” Howard pleaded with his husband.

Steve shook his head. “I’m fine Howard just drop it. Speaking of birthday boy did you get my present?” 

Howard smiled softly at his husband. “Yea, the Captain America touch was a little silly don’t you think?” 

“He’ll figure out I save the world one way or another Howard. I thought it was classy and perfect.” Steve grinned.

“Oh no Rogers my gift is going to be perfect! He’s getting a one of a kind Bucky bear.” Bucky commented grinning at his best friend. 

“Oh please! My kid will want a Captain America bear before a Bucky Barnes bear. His Mama is obsessed with the Captain.” Steve wriggled his eyebrows at Howard.

“Would you two stop it? He’s a year old he’s going to love anything that I let him drag around with him. Also Rogers, I’m not his Mama jesus.” 

Tony lifted a hand and patted Howard’s face. “Mama.”

Bucky howled with laughter as Howard tried to correct Tony. Howard took a glance to the computer and saw Steve’s smile reached his eyes and he suddenly stopped correcting Tony. “Yea, I’m your Mama.” He snuggled Tony to his body. It was all worth it to make his family happy.


	10. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad times ahead!

Greif

When Tony was two years old Howard and Steve decided they would try for another baby. However after almost a year of trying to get pregnant they found out that Howard had trouble. The doctors told them if Howard did manage to get pregnant it would be a miracle. When Sarah grew sick they agreed to just focus on Sarah and raising Tony. 

“What are you thinking about sweet baby boy?” Sarah’s voice was raspy and weak.

“I’m just thinking about how you need to save your energy Ms. Sarah. Steve would be furious if he knew you were talking to me.” Howard replied putting down his cell phone and facing his mother in law.

“Oh Howard, you know I’m dying right?” Sarah fixed Howard with a sad smile.

“Oh Sarah don’t say that. The doctors will find a cure. They have too, I have my best men working on it. If I can make Steve Captain America I can heal you.”

“Oh Howard, let’s not kid ourselves. Just promise me something.”

“Anything.” Howard was suddenly serious. He could tell when people needed him to be serious and when people needed someone to talk too about the hard stuff. He was always that person and he could tell Sarah needed someone who wasn’t going to bullshit her.

“Take care of my baby. Steve’s fragile when I’m gone he won’t know how to handle it.”

“I will you know that. He’s stuck with me no matter what.” Howard smiled softly at Sarah.

“I want you to listen to me real good about what I’m about to tell you Howard.”

Howard leaned forward and took Sarah’s hand. “What do you want to tell me?”

“I want you to record this Howard. Save it for years to come, save it in multiple places.”

Howard removed his phone and held it out to Sarah after he had set it up to record it. “Record me a video of it.” 

Sarah took the phone and looked straight at it.

“Howard Anthony Walter Stark, you are the best man I have ever met. You love my Steve so much, it makes me wonder where you learned to love like that. You are the best mother figure to my grandchildren, I have faith you will have more so I’m using plural. Your parents are so stupid for not realizing how perfect you are. You are so brilliant, don’t ever let someone call you stupid. I am so proud of you and everything you have accomplished. Howard, I am so proud to call you my son. Not my son in law because I knew from the moment Steve brought you home that you needed a mom and I’m so blessed to have been able to fill that hole in your life. You will be one of the greatest minds of your generation no matter what you decide to do. I love you sweetheart.” Sarah stopped the recording and handed it back to Howard.

Howard felt tears spill out of his eyes as he accepted the video. He immediately plugged it into his computer and saved the video in multiple spots. “Thank you for that Mom. I needed to hear that.” Howard dropped a kiss to Sarah’s head.

“I know you did my darling boy. Now go get Tony for day care, you don’t want to be late. I will see you all later my dear.”

Howard gathered his things and on a whim decided to take a picture with Sarah before leaving to get Tony. That picture was the last time anyone saw Sarah Rogers alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry!! I'm a terrible person!! I might end up doing drabbles showing Howard's relationship with Sarah if anyone is interested. If you are please let me know!! If you can't comment then email me fallonbellamy22@icloud.com and put drabbles as your subject line!


	11. See them always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard knows this has to be a sick joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh!!! This chapter was so hard to write!! I was crying writing it! Enjoy and please comment to let me know what you think.

See them always

Howard walked into the house and paused at the silence. He briefly wondered if Steve had taken Tony out to the park while Howard had gone to the doctor to check on his pregnancy. 

“Daddy come play with me!” Tony’s little yells floated down the stairs. Howard smiled and climbed the stairs. 

“Hey kiddo, what are you doing? Where is Daddy?” Howard asked seeing the master bedroom door was shut.

“He’s inside. He won’t open the door Mama! I wanna play!!” Tony whined in all his three year old attitude. 

Howard reached for the door and found it locked. Panic quickly took over, Howard tried to keep his face calm as he kneeled down Tony’s level. “Hey can you be a big helper to Mama right now?”

Tony nodded his eyes shining at the thought of being a helper. 

“I need you to go get Mama’s phone and call Aunt Peggy for me. Tell her she has to get over here right away ok? Tell her Daddy needs her.” Howard instructed Tony and waited until Tony was out of sight before pulling out the keys from his pocket and unlocking the door. When he tried to open the door he found it wouldn’t budge. Howard felt his heart drop to his knees. 

“Steve babe, you need to let me in.” Howard softly called out leaning against the wall.

Tony came running back up the stairs grinning at Howard. “Auntie Peggy is comin so is Bucky!” 

“You did a good job kiddo. Why you don’t go wait for them in the living room?”

“I don’t want to go down there alone!” Tony whined suddenly looking at the door in fear. 

“Take your Cap and Bucky Bears, they will keep you company.” Howard suggested feeling defeated. He could barely handle Tony’s temper on a good day and this was definitely not even close to an ok day right now.

When Tony was back downstairs Howard decided to try the door again. He stood up and shoved his shoulder against the door with all his might but, it didn’t budge. He next tried shoving his whole body against the door and again it didn’t budge. Tears were now spilling out of Howard’s eyes as he slid down the wall feeling defeated. 

“What’s going on?” Bucky asked as he came down the hall followed by two other men Howard didn’t know, Peggy coming up behind them Tony in her arms.

“I can’t get the door open.” Howard answered feeling defeated.

“How attached are you to the door and whatever might be behind it?” The younger of the two men that was standing behind Bucky asked surveying the door. 

“I want my husband. I don’t care about damage.” Howard answered standing behind the three men. 

“I say we bust this son of a bitch down. Just kick it in.” The younger man answered looking toward Bucky and the other man.

“Don’t be stupid Clint, we don’t want there to be more damage than necessary.” The older man scolded the younger one.

“Well excuse me for wanting to help a fellow ranger out Phillip.” Clint barked at the older man. 

“Look would you fuckers just shut up for a second.” Bucky glared at the two men and inched towards the door. “Steve, hey buddy it’s Bucky can you open the door for me? I want to help.” 

“He hasn’t answered me at all. I’ve been calling him ever since I got home.” Howard replied softly as no answer came from inside the room.

“How long?” The man named, Phillip asked turning his gaze on Howard. 

“Ten minutes maybe?” Howard guessed. 

“Ok fuck that, I’m breaking down your damn door.” Clint picked his foot up and swung it at the door. The door didn’t move.

“He’s got the damn door blocked!” Bucky cursed. “Stark I might break your whole door frame down to get to him.”

“Do what you have too.” Howard replied leaning against the opposite wall. 

Every man took a turn at the door and when they found it didn’t open they decided to kick the door down using all of their feet. The door broke under the pressure and whatever Steve had blocked the door with had fallen over. Tony went sprinting between adult legs and he reached Steve first. 

“Mama, why does Daddy have a play gun in his mouth?” Tony asked innocently. 

That’s the moment Howard knew his world was crashing down around him. The note simply read,” I see them always, sorry.”


	12. Army Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once part of the military always apart of the miltary

Army Family

“Jesus Christ no! Tony, come with me love. Daddy is just sleeping.” Peggy commented running past the men and scooping Tony into her arms. “I’m going to take Tony to our house for some quiet time.” Peggy mumbled to the men before going to pack a bag for Tony.

Clint shoved everyone out of the way and leaned his body over Steve’s limp body. “He’s breathing and I have a pulse. Phil get me my medical bag, Barnes call 911. Stark sit the fuck down, put your head between your knees.” 

Bucky whipped his phone out and was dialing 911. Howard was still standing so Bucky gently sat him on the bed and roughly shoved Howard’s head between Howard’s knees. “Breathe Stark, we need you clear for forms.” Bucky’s voice filled the room. Phil ran back into the room at lightning speed and shoved the bag into Clint’s hands. 

“We need his blood pressure first. Do we know if he took anything?” Bucky asked the room. 

“Looks like he took half a bottle of anti-depressants.” Phil commented holding up the half empty bottle Howard had just filled yesterday. 

“He’s 50/30 on blood pressure. His pulse is very faint, way too faint for me to get a read on it. Damn it someone check on Stark he’s turning white over there!” Clint yelled out as he tried to keep track of Steve.

“Hey buddy stay with me.” Phil sat down next to Howard and shoved a lunch bag to Howard. “Breathe with it.” 

Howard took the bag and started breathing with it his mind racing. Steve was dying on their bedroom floor, Tony had seen Steve with a gun in his mouth, and Howard was three months pregnant. Howard suddenly abandoned the bag and started laughing. There was no way this was real.

“God damn it he’s in shock.” Phil’s voice floated over Howard’s ears.

“Hold on let me make sure Peggy has Tony out of the house before the Paramedics get here.” Bucky yelled out shoving the phone into Clint’s hands.

“Yea, we have five minutes before he flat lines, if my readings are correct.” Clint stated into the phone as he worked on Steve. “I’m a government trained EMT but there is no way I can handle this on my own. I don’t have the equipment for it.” 

Howard let out a scream at the pain in his abdomen. Blood started gushing down his legs, Howard stared at his legs horror written on his face. 

“Make that two sets of paramedics.” Phil commented softly staring at Howard.

“Yea, ok two sets of Paramedics, we have a pregnant male bleeding.” Clint stated into the phone. 

Howard started to fall to the floor as he fainted the whole situation pressing down on him. 

Bucky flew forward and caught Howard in his arms. “Jesus fucking Christ! Is Howard pregnant?”

“I’m saying yes by the amount of blood. Pregnant and miscarrying.” Phil’s voice was soft and sad. 

“Oh no! He can’t miscarry! Steve and Howard have been trying for the past year! They were told they would never have any more children. Barton you CAN’T let him lose this one!” Bucky yelled in Clint’s direction. 

“Kind of trying to save his husband here Barnes! FUCK, if they aren’t here in the next three minutes we will lose him! Phil call Fury tell him medical needs to be ready! I will have the paramedics go to shield!” Clint yelled out and the next moment paramedics were rushing up the stairs. 

“It took you fuckers long enough! Do you know who the fuck these two are?” Bucky yelled at the two teams of paramedics. 

“Barnes shut the fuck up! Just follow us to the hospital.” Clint barked out moving out of the way so the paramedics could load Steve and Howard into separate ambulances. 

They reached Shield in record time. Fury greeted the three remaining men in the waiting room, four hours later. “They will both be fine. Stark didn’t lose the baby, Rogers had to have his stomach pumped but his vitals are fine. He’s sleeping and Stark is awake. If any one of you fuckers get either of them riled up I will kick you out and block your access the whole time they are here.” 

“May we see them?” Bucky asked softly.

“You can see Stark. Oh and good job during a crisis guys, I knew we made you agents for a reason.” Fury turned and left the room. 

“Thanks.” Clint answered slumping down in his chair. 

“Are you going to come?” Bucky questioned looking at Clint’s slumped from. 

“Yea, sure I will.” Clint stood and followed Bucky and Phil down to Howard’s room.

“Hey knock knock, how are you feeling?” Bucky asked softly sitting in the chair on Howard’s side.

“Like my whole world is crashing and burning and no one will tell me what’s going on.”

Howard’s honest answer made Clint’s heart ache. Clint could tell it made Phil feel the same way because Phil suddenly seemed more interested in his pants and a loose thread.

“Your world is going to be just fine. A little shaky but it’ll be just fine.” Bucky answered honestly squeezing Howard’s shoulder.

“Our son saw his father with a gun in his fucking mouth, please tell me in what world any of those words belong in a single sentence together.” Howard spat out anger flaring up in his eyes.

“A world where your family is a military family.” Clint’s voice came out steady.

“My family is not supposed to be a military family!” Howard shot back.

“You’re part of an army family now even if you don’t like it. Steve tried to hurt himself and you almost lost the baby, which no of us knew about by the way, thanks for that. Barton and Phil are amazing in crisis mode. They are some of the best experts on this you could ever have take advantage of it Howard.” Bucky leveled with Howard. 

“What do I tell our three year old who saw that shit Buck? What the fuck do I tell myself? I can’t leave Tony alone with him now.” Howard’s voice broke.

“If I may answer some of those questions.” Phil stepped forward and held out his hand. “Phillip Coulson, agent here at Shield. As for what you tell your son the answer to that is simple. You tell him his daddy is sick and hurting. You have to tell yourself he’s still the same person you married and fell in love with. He’s just sick right now, as for leaving your son alone with him I would have a plan of action set in place. Make it very clear to him and everyone around you all that your husband needs to alert someone if he starts feeling this way again. There needs to be a safety net plan in place.”

“I just don’t know what steps to take anymore. We had an appointment with the VA this week for Steve. Why couldn’t he have spoken up sooner?” Howard’s body shook with sobs.

“The VA does more harm than good. They try to do well but so many people who fought in wars come back with PTSD and the VA can’t handle that many soldiers.” Clint commented from his chair. 

“Have you ever thought about getting Steve a support dog?” Bucky asked leaning back in his chair. 

“We were told by our HOA that we had to have a doctor’s note for one to be in our home and no doctor has deemed it necessary for him.” Howard replied softly looking down at his hands.

“Leave that to me. I don’t know if you know but I was Steve’s battle buddy on every tour he’s done since he got in. I can find the perfect dog for him and I won’t stop until I do.” Clint grinned at Howard.

“Thank you. I really don’t know how to thank all of you for everything.”

“You’re family now. I will go get started on the paperwork for the dog.” Clint said and shook Howard’s hand before leaving the room.

“You’re in great hands now. Here’s my card if you ever need to talk just call me ok?” Phil handed Howard his card before walking out of the room. 

“I have to do something for them Bucky. Also for you and Peggy too.” Howard commented smiling sadly at Bucky.

“No, you don’t Howard, we all love Steve for who he is. We love him for Steve Rogers, not because he’s Captain America. Maybe if Steve got involved in volunteering with vets who have PTSD it would help him.” Bucky suggested softly.

“Maybe it would but can we focus on getting settled back home first.” Howard asked warily.

“Of course we can Stark.”


	13. Control

Control

“Anthony Edward Grant Stark, get your naked butt back here right now!” Howard yelled down the hall sitting back on the wet bathroom floor.

“NO!! I’m not taking a bath!” Tony yelled back his voice sounding broken.

Howard sighed and leaned against the tub. Ever since he came home from the hospital and Steve didn’t Tony was being more difficult. “Come on buddy please? I didn’t push you having a bath for two days but you really have to have one now.” 

Howard heard knocking on the front door. He groaned standing up to answer the door.

“Oh hey buddy what are you doing all naked?” Clint Barton’s voice floated up to Howard’s ears. 

“He is refusing a bath.” Howard answered warily and smiling at the man who had quickly become part of his family. 

“Oh well I have a surprise for only clean little boys but man are you dirty.” Phil commented following Clint into the house and wrinkling his nose at Tony.

“I can be clean! I promise I want the surprise!” Tony shouted running towards the stairs. “Mama, come on! I want my surprise!” Tony whined to Howard.

“Let me give him a bath. We brought dessert too!” Clint called over his shoulder before throwing Tony over his shoulder and running up the stairs. Tony’s giggles filled the house bringing a smile to Howard’s face.

“Hey Phil, what’s going on?” Howard asked smiling tiredly.

“We have all the forms filled out for Steve to have a support dog. Your HOA is being a bitch though. They have all these different requirements for you to having a dog it’s insane.” 

“Yea, Steve and I talked about moving to a damn ranch just so we could fill our place with animals with no nosey big brother watching but this place was close to his mom and then she got sick. So, we never got around to actually looking.”

“That’s understandable but we figured out all we have to do is fence in your back yard. We got the permits for it and everything just need to find a good date for you.” 

Howard shrugged. “Any day works for me. I’ve been working from home since I got out. How is Steve, the nurse said it was a hard day for him today.”

“He’s getting better, slowly but surely. There is still a ton of work to be done but the fact that we found him a support dog that is a fit for him is amazing.”

Howard smiled softly. “Yea, please do tell me how you guys found a dog so quickly?” 

Phil shrugged and handed Howard a milkshake from a container. “Shield did nothing, Clint did all the research and went to visit all the dogs. He was so determined to find a good dog for Steve.”

“He’s going to want to go back to the military.” Howard groaned sinking into the sofa burying his head in his hand.

“He can’t go back, they won’t take him.” Phil commented softly sitting next to Howard. “They made the final decision today. He’s getting an honorable medical discharge.”

“He’s going to be so depressed. He’s Captain fucking America, the perfect solider.” Howard groaned and laid back against the sofa rubbing his eyes.

“Shield wants to offer him a job.” Phil commented softly.

“What type of job?” Howard asked swiftly turning his gaze on Phil.

“A strategic planning adviser. He wouldn’t deploy but he would be a ton of help to our guys out in the field. We aren’t going to tell him about the job offer until we think it will help him. Get him home and safe at home first.” Phil smiled softly.

“I have no idea how to help him when he comes home. I have no idea what to watch out for!”

“Hey listen to me Howard, we got you. Bucky, Peggy, Clint, and I we will all be here. We got your family. All of you are important and it matters how you feel. Have you thought about going to therapy?”

“Are you kidding I am way too busy! I have a company to run and a three year old running around. Not to mention this pregnancy is making me feel sick and tired all the time.” Howard scoffed.

Phil stood up and put a hand on Howard’s shoulder. “You have a whole business team at your disposal, use them. Clint and I will babysit any time, Bucky and Peggy too. Use us, open your mouth and call for help.” 

“I don’t know how.” Howard answered standing also. 

“That’s exactly why therapy is a good idea. You can’t control Steve’s illness but you can control how you deal with it. Take what you can control and run with it.” Phil headed up the stairs to check on Clint and Tony.


	14. Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy shoves Howard into finding support.

Support

“Come on get dressed, we are going out.” Peggy stated walking into Howard’s office.

Howard looked up confused and then looked down at his body. He was wearing a pair of Steve’s sweatpants and a black tank top. “Um.where are we going? Are we taking Tony?”

“Nope, Tony’s coming with me to visit some play group. He really needs more friends his own age.” Bucky replied following behind Peggy.

“We are going somewhere you really need to go too. Now get dressed and after we do what we need too, I’m taking you to lunch.” Peggy responded smiling.

Howard stood up and gave Peggy a sideways glance. “Fine, Bucky Tony needs to be down for a nap by one otherwise he won’t sleep at night.”

Bucky gave Howard a salute. “I got this.”

Twenty minutes later Peggy pulled into a driveway with ten other cars in it. Howard looked around confused.

“Where are we?” Howard asked following Peggy inside the house.

“Somewhere you need to be.” Peggy simply stated and greeted the woman opening the door.

“Hi, you must be Howard, Peggy has told me a little bit about your situation. I’m Jamie Noel, the founder of our group.”

“What group?” Howard asked shooting Peggy confused glances. 

“The support group of spouses of soldiers with PTSD. Peggy, why didn’t you tell him?” Jamie scolded Peggy as she led them into the living room. There were some woman and men sitting around drinking coffee and talking. 

“He wouldn’t have come otherwise.” Peggy stated matter of fact.

“Howard, would you like some coffee?” Jamie asked softly.

“Um..no thank you, I’m pregnant I can’t drink coffee.” 

“Well congratulations how about a water then?”

Howard nodded. “That would be great. I think I’ll just come with you if you don’t mind.”

“Of course not follow me.” Jamie commented going towards the kitchen. “You don’t have to stay if you’re not comfortable.” 

“Everyone keeps telling me to open up to more people. Do I have to talk about what’s going on?”

Jamie shook her head. “Not if you don’t want too. This is a safe zone, anything and everything can be talked about. Every single person has either been in your shoes, or is currently in the same spot you are in.”

Howard smiled softly. “Thanks, I think I will stay and listen if that’s ok.”

“Of course that’s ok. If you want to speak just chime in. We are a very close knit group.” Jamie handed Howard a bottled water and smiled softly at him.

Howard followed Jamie into the living room and smiled softly at everyone else.

“How is everyone doing?” Jamie asked the room. “We have a new person with us today. His name is Howard. He will mostly be listening today so be kind. Who needs to go first?”

The room smiled at Howard. A young woman raised her hand. Jamie nodded towards her.

“I feel so lost. My husband just came home and he doesn’t want to do anything. The military decided to medical discharge him so, he’s working with a buddy of his but he’s moody all the time. The kids are scared of him. I don’t know how to help him.” The young woman broke into sobs. Jamie passed her tissues and looked around the room. 

“Does he have a service dog? My husband just got one and its doing wonders for him. He’s not home yet though so I don’t know how it will work once home.” Howard asked surprised at his own voice.

The young woman shook her head. “He wants one but we haven’t found the right dog for him. It’s so hard every dog we find either isn’t trained for him or they are trained for his degree of PTSD but he doesn’t connect with the dog. I feel so helpless with him looking.”

Jamie handed the young woman a card. “Here maybe this will help. This organization helps find service dogs for soldiers with PTSD. They are amazing at their jobs and they won’t give up until they find the right dog for him.” 

The woman took the card and smiled softly.

“Who wants to go next?” 

“I will I guess.” Howard sat down in an empty chair and looked around the room. “Well, hi I’m Howard Stark and let’s see where to start. My husband Steve has been a solider for eight years. He has been on five deployments and we have a three year old son, Tony. Steve’s last deployment really took a toll on us. He’s been home for a year now and well…he tried to commit suicide. Our son saw him with a gun hanging out of his mouth and barely breathing. God saying that out loud makes me feel like a terrible parent and partner. I had an idea that my husband was hurting but not to the degree he was hurting. I have no idea where to start to help him heal.” Howard sucked in a breath and looked at his feet.

“You have support from all of us. Remember this is a safe zone to let your feelings go.” Jamie whispered softly laying a hand on Howard’s shoulder.


	15. Night Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is home and he has a night terror!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize I'm focusing a lot on Steve's PTSD but, i feel like if I just mention it and then don't show the aftermath isn't doing the very real diagnosis of PTSD justice so, I feel like I have to ride this out

Night terror

Steve looked around the dark room and tried to breathe. He felt like his body was being weighed down, like he couldn’t breathe. Shadow, his support dog whined and shoved her head underneath his palm. Steve didn’t respond to the dogs touch and so the dog started dragging the covers off the bed waking Howard up. 

“Steve, babe?” Howard asked softly not moving from his spot on the bed.

“I couldn’t save them! They fucking died and I GOT A MOTHER FUCKING MEDAL!! A FUCKING MEDAL BECAUSE PEOPLE DIED!” Steve yelled out his whole body shaking. Howard moved closer and placed a soft hand on Steve’s shoulder. The next Howard knew he got a punch to the face.

“Son of a bitch!” Howard yelled falling back on the bed clutching his left eye. 

“Mama?” Tony’s voice was small and scared from the doorway. 

“Tony, go back to bed.” Howard replied jumping off the bed and moving towards his son.

“Mama, is Daddy ok?” 

Howard sighed and picked Tony up. “He’ll be fine baby boy. Come on let’s get you back in bed.” 

Once in Tony’s room Howard looked around for Tony’s blanket and couldn’t find it. “Hey bud where is your blanket?” 

Tony just shrugged up at Howard. “I think I left it at Auntie Peggy’s.” 

Howard sighed. “Ok, well here take your Bucky and Cap Bears and go to sleep ok baby boy?” Howard placed the bears on either side of Tony and dragged a blanket around Tony’s body. 

“Mama?” Tony called out after Howard had shut the light off.

“Yes, kiddo?”

“Daddy’s broken isn’t he?” Tony’s innocent question struck Howard like a truck. He had been trying so hard to keep Tony from finding this out. A three year old shouldn’t have to see his parent broken from a war he didn’t start. 

 

“I don’t know Tony, just go to sleep ok?”

“Ok, I love you and Daddy.”

“We love you too Tones.” Howard quietly shut the door and slid against the wall tears falling form his eyes, and shit did they hurt.


	16. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally talks about what happened

Healing

It had been a year since Steve was first diagnosed with PTSD and Howard could honestly say some days were better than others. He no longer feared to leave the kids alone with Steve so, that was a step in the right direction. They had a second child a little girl, Bridget Sarah Ann Stark, who was honestly a better healing tool for Steve than anything they had tried. Between his service dog and the new baby Steve was finally finding some peace. 

“Howard, can I ask you something?” Steve asked softly coming into Howard’s office.

“Of course you can babe what’s going?” Howard put his files to the side and looked at his husband.

Steve sank into the chair opposite Howard’s desk and pulled out his phone. “I want to get another tattoo but, I want you there this time.”

Howard nodded. “Ok what do you want to get?” 

Steve handed Howard his phone and on the screen Howard saw a blue green ribbon and the word surviving underneath it in cursive. 

“It’s the symbol for PTSD.” Steve commented softly. 

Howard smiled softly laid the phone on his desk. “I think that is an amazing idea. When do you want to get it done?” 

“I don’t know, would you go with me?” Steve asked again softly because he hadn’t received a straight answer.

“Of course I will go with you. Tony has been dying to spend some time with Bucky. Schedule a date and let me know when it is ok?” Howard squeezed Steve’s hand and dropped a kiss onto the open palm.

“Clint’s going to get a matching one with me. We wondered if you wanted to get one too.” Steve wondered softly.

“What would mine say?” Howard smiled at Steve.

“I think yours should say supporter.” 

Howard grinned and stood up to hug Steve to his body. “I think that is a beautiful idea. Of course I will get one with you. Where should I put it?” 

“Forearm that’s where we are getting ours. Of course you could put yours where ever you wanted.”

“My forearm leading to my heart is a great idea Steve.”

Three weeks later Steve, Clint, and Howard went to the tattoo shop for their art. 

“So, what does this tattoo represent for you?” The tattoo artist asked Steve as he did the outline in pen.

“Many things, it means I’m strong enough to live this life and the hand I was dealt. It means I’m living the lives, I couldn’t save but, most importantly it means I have a family to survive and get better for.”

The artist nodded and held out his left hand to Steve. “Thank you for your service, it means a lot to me. I was a marine for six years.”

Steve shook the guys hand and smiled softly. “No one has thanked me since I was discharged.” 

“Yea, the VA kind of wants to forget about you once your papers are signed. So, how are you healing?” The guy asked tracing over the design with the tattoo gun.

“I’m working on it.”

“That’s good, also the lives you saved mean just as much as the ones that were lost. It’s hard but just remember you can’t stop living just because they did.” 

Howard watched Steve to see how he reacted to those words. Steve’s face seemed to relax.

“Yea, that’s true it’s just the image of the Humvee flipping while shrapnel goes flying all around you is hard to relive every night ya know?”

Howard felt tears come to his eyes. Steve was finally talking about what happened. No one had been able to get Steve to open up about what happened. 

“You ok over there Stark?” Clint called out from his spot.

Howard nodded and mouthed,’ He’s talking about it!’

‘It’s called healing.’ Clint mouthed back grinning.


	17. Date Night

Date Night

“Hey baby, put a suit on.” Steve stated passing Howard in his study. 

“Why?” Howard asked softly worried.

“It’s a surprise. Please just do this for me?” 

“Ok, let me just save my work ok?” Howard moved around his office.

Thirty minutes later Howard was buttoning his shirt when Steve came up behind him. “Here put this on.” Steve passed Howard a bottle of his cologne and dropped a kiss to Howard’s neck. “I’m going to drop the kids off at Clint and Phil’s place. When I get back I expect you to be ready.” 

Howard smiled and leaned into Steve’s arms. “Ok, I promise I will be ready.”

What in the world did Steve have up his sleeve? Howard wondered as he got ready for his surprise. 

Steve was waiting outside leaning against the Aston Martin. 

“What is this about?” Howard asked confused. 

Steve reached behind his back and produced a single red rose. “This is date night. We haven’t had a proper date night in forever. I am changing that right now.” 

Howard smiled. “Alright, I missed our date nights.”

Steve opened the passenger door for Howard. He drove to the restaurant where they had their first date. “Do you remember what this place signifies for us?”

Howard smiled softly tears already welling up in his eyes. “Our first date. I honestly didn’t think you would remember it’s been so long ago.”

Steve held out his arm to Howard. “Oh baby, I would never forget where I first fell in love with you.”

Howard took Steve’s arm and grinned up at him. 

After a nice candle lite dinner they decided to walk around central park. Steve sat Howard down on a bench and got down on one knee. Steve pulled out a ring box and opened it.

“Howard Stark, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You gave me two beautiful children, an amazing support group, and you have stood next to me through this past year which I know has not been easy. So, I’m asking you to renew our vows? I want the kids there and I want to make it a special day for us.” 

Howard grinned at Steve. “Of course I will! I love you Steven Grant Rogers.” Howard threw his arms around Steve’s neck. 

Steve stood up and hugged Howard close to him. He dropped a kiss to Howard’s head. “I love you. Was this a good date night?”

Howard grinned into Steve’s shoulder. “The best date night ever.”


End file.
